“The true meaning of forgiveness: releasing all hope for a better past. An essential passage to becoming who I am” – Fabian Wecker MSN RN
The other night, an old friend and former colleague with whom I had fallen out of touch called. I had sent him a note to tell him about The invisible Map, and he wanted to give his support to the effort. We talked for more than an hour, catching up with each other’s lives. He told me about a neighbor he was having problems with and how he wished to approach the man to resolve the issue.
His words got me thinking of a relationship I had with a man I always respected and admired. A man I considered a friend.
While this man and I do not socialize, we travel in the same groups, so our paths cross on a regular basis. He does a particular kind of work that I needed, so I hired him. From the beginning, the way was rocky, deteriorating to the point where I found his service lacking. (I am going to be deliberately vague about the details of our working relationship because it is not particularly relevant. Suffice it to say that I believed he failed me to my significant detriment. He disagreed.) When we met over coffee to discuss these problems, he indicated he found working with me to be a challenge. By the time we ended our meeting, we had agreed that I needed to hire someone else to continue the work.
I imagined he probably left, thinking good riddance, while I felt let down. Significantly. I regretted hiring him. I trusted him and he did not deliver. I was angry. I felt our friendship had been shredded like the used paper napkins we left on the table.
A RECONNECTION
Weeks passed before our paths crossed again. When he saw me, he smiled and opened his arms to me. I was surprised. I wondered if his open arms meant he wanted to restore our relationship, that is, if he felt, as I did, that it had been damaged. I wondered if he could––even if unconsciously––be asking for forgiveness. His intentions remain unknown to me. What I do know is that I stepped forward into his embrace.
As we chatted about our lives and families, I kept thinking is this what forgiveness looks like? Is this how it works? Again, I was unsure. All I know is that, after our conversation, I felt lighter.
NOT JUST AT CHURCH
The Rev. Jim Burklo, executive director of Progressive Christianity Uniting, writes: “If your church doesn’t have some members you find hypocritical, funky, or outright obnoxious, go look for another church. Because the church is supposed to be a fitness center for love. And if there aren’t some folks in your church who are hard to love, then you are missing out on the heavy lifting that will build up your spiritual muscles.”1
Fortunately, it is not just at church where we can find people who irritate us, hurt us, or let us down. They can be found anywhere. Join any group or class. Go to any family gathering, and you will find people you connect with and love being around but there are also those whom you find irritating. Sometimes, it’s the same people.
Our choice then is how to live with this reality.
I try not to focus on my disappointments with others when they arise, but I also know not to ignore them either. There is something for me to learn there.
HANDLE WITH GRACE
One of the things that I have learned is that relationships are fragile and need to be handled with grace, love, and kindness. That usually means meeting people where they are.
I try to remember that, because of where others stand, they may see things differently than I do. And if I am going to be in a relationship––with anybody––I need to try as much as I can to see things from their perspective.
That doesn’t mean that we are to tolerate abusive relationships. But I do need to cut others some slack because God knows I certainly need others to cut me slack. Indeed, I need to forgive as much as I need forgiveness. Not from God––surely, the heavenly gates are always open to all––but from others for my own mistakes and foibles.
AN ACT OF SELF CARE
So, here before me was this man who had let me down when I trusted him, who barely acknowledged, in my opinion, service that I found lacking, let alone felt any need to correct. And before him, stood a woman who likely disappointed him with her demands, expectations, and failure to see things from his perspective. We could have walked away from each other, sure in the knowledge that, when our working relationship crumbled, the other was at fault.
Likely, we will never agree on who was most to blame. But I interpreted his opening his arms as an indication that he did not want to be at an impasse (if, as I had, he even thought we were). I don’t know if, with his gesture, he was asking forgiveness. I do know, in accepting his embrace, I was taking a step toward forgiveness.
“Forgiveness is a form of self care,” says comedian Aida Rodriguez.2
For better or worse, my saying yes to those open arms appeared to me as the better route to take. I hope for him. Certainly for me.
FOR REFLECTION: Think of a time when you struggled to forgive. Think of a time you were able to forgive. How did each of those times make you feel? Which of those times offered a space where you wanted to stay?
1 Progressive Spirit: Explorations in Theology, Spirituality. March 2, 2023.
2 “Finding Legitimacy with Aida Rodriquez,” Latino USA. February 6, 2004.
Top image: Pixabay/Craig Melville
Midtext image: Pixabay/PDPics
Side image: Pixabay/Avelino Calvar Martinez
